Today’s POV blog

King Henry VIII. John F. Kennedy. Gary Hart. Bill Clinton. David Letterman. Tiger Woods.

Looking at this list of names, it’s easy to see that cheating is probably not becoming more prevalent, but with today’s vast array of communication options, infidelity certainly becomes news faster and spreads more quickly. King Henry was likely the talk of the court, but we weren’t blogging about him minutes after he slept with the other Boleyn sister.

While cheating is not a singularly male affliction, flipping through the news channels, you would certainly believe it is. Statistically speaking, however, men do cheat more often than women but often it’s for very similar reasons.

Most men, who admit to cheating, agree that the primary reason for cheating is — surprisingly — not sex; it’s lack of connection with their wife. (“She just doesn’t get me.”) Men in search of an emotional connection reach out to other women and very often end up having sex, but sex is not nearly as often the driving factor. (Other surveys indicate that men primarily cheat for new and different types of sex, but the age of the respondent seems to be a factor in this disparity.)

Various reports indicate that 41% of married persons admit to cheating, but 68% say that their spouse has cheated. It’s estimated that 80% of men who cheat are caught, but that 68% of the marriages survive the infidelity. That’s surprising to me as a woman, since the average length of an affair is one to two years — long enough for any casual affair to become a full-fledged relationship. That’s hard to ignore or forgive.

Women often cheat because they are feeling hurt. This might be hurt from their husband’s affair, the loneliness of abandonment, what has become an unexciting or un-engaging relationship, or simply feeling poorly about themselves. (“He just doesn’t get me.”)

One major difference between men and women who admit to having had an affair is that when men are caught, they continue to lie and deny cheating; whereas women are more likely to admit to the affair, ask forgiveness, and begin working to repair the damage.

That both men and women cheat for similar reasons might well explain the high percentage of relationships that survive infidelity (as previously noted: 68%). Strife and discourse can often be the catalyst for a level of communication that many relationships have lost. An affair also provides a bit of good old-fashioned shock treatment to a complacent spouse.